Something For The Weekend

Which festival is right for you?

We all know that this year is missing something pretty damn integral to a hot summer. And we don’t just mean the sun. No, we’re talking Glastonbury. But once you’ve taken a look at what else we have to offer, you’ll be over it quicker than you can say, ‘a pint of cider and a bean burger please’.

For the indie kids…

Wireless Festival – London and Leeds – various dates through June
If you’re not up for that whole camping in fields that resemble the Somme lark, then Wireless will be perfect for you. Just trundle along to your local park (well if you live in London or Leeds) and spend the afternoon / evening watching some of the bestest acts in the whole Goddam world. June 21 in Hyde Park boasts a bill the equal of most of the major festivals – The Strokes, Belle and Sebastian, The Raconteurs and Dirty Pretty Things. All. On. The. Same. Day.

Latitude – Southwold in Suffolk – July 14 to 16
Festivals can be so much more than jumping up and down to some piss poor indie band with acne. Sometimes they can be culturally enriching in other ways. Which is why Latitude has poetry, comedy, cabaret and even political debate. And that’s before you get to the cracking line-up, which includes Snow Patrol, Anthony and the Johnsons and Mogwai.

Reading and Leeds Festivals – August 25 to 27
OK, so all the camping tickets sold out about a trenfillion years ago but you can still bag yourself a day ticket, which for £60 is amazing value, giving you the chance to witness such modern day pop combos as Franz Ferdinand, the Kaiser Chiefs, the Arctic Monkeys and Muse. I’m packing the giant pink inflatable penis now, mother.

For the metalheads…

Download Festival – Donington Park – June 9 to 11
Hell’s bells, they’ve only gone and got Guns and effing Roses to play. OK so Axl is a bit of a mental these days but this could be a Lazarus-like return to the fray from one of the greatest bands that ever did strut this place we call Earth. Tool and some little known Greek folk band called Metallica are also playing.

Monsters Of Rock – Milton Keynes Bowl – June 3
You youngsters. How you love to dance to your Funeral For A Friend and your Korn. But back in the mists of time some dark and evil forces combined to create the best heavy rock rumble heard this side of the Alps. Lock up your daughters because Alice Cooper is here, not to mention Deep Purple. No idea? Ask your Dad and he’ll go all misty eyed and weird.

For the ravers…

Global Gathering – Stratford Upon Avon – July 28 to 29
Glow stick-friendly ‘gathering’ for those who just can’t stop dancing. The cracking bill includes a rare performance from the awesome Daft Punk, the ubiquitous Groove Armada and pretty much every DJ who ever put some vinyl on a disc player machine.

For the adventurous…

Benicassim – near Barcelona – July 20 to 23
If you’ve grown weary of this hateful weather, take some affirmative action before you get mad with SAD. This is how festivals should be, brother. In the sun, by the sea, bands playing all Goddam night. Not to mention a line-up from God’s own record collection – Franz, Morrissey, The Strokes, the flipping Pixies. You might not ever come home so pack a toothbrush and some clean kecks.

Dour Festival – Belgium – July 13 to 16
Unfortunate name for a festival. Particularly one in Belgium. But hang on a sec… a weekend of hot bands including Primal Scream, The Dandy Warhols and the truly incredible Bell Orchestre (who are Arcade Fire without the name Arcade Fire). It’s safe to say Belgium’s never been so hip-shakingly hip.

So there you have it kids, something for every single one of you. Now just don’t forget the bog roll and the wet wipes.

Claire on: Table dancing and Turkish delight

  It is very rare that you find a place that is totally AMAZING, that is so good that you just want to tell everybody about it and you just have to make it your mission to spread the knowledge of your little gem because people just HAVE to go there...

..... well last Saturday I came across what is most possibly the best restaurant in London. If you haven't eaten in Gallipoli on Upper Street then get down there sharpish, especially if you want to sample some of the finest turkish cuisine this side of the red sea (or black sea -geography never was my strong point).

It is a tiny restaurant and you are crammed in but it is so good that you just don't care. The food is superb, especially the meze, but this restaurant is about so much more than the food..... you can tell that they staff are loving being there, they want you to have fun AND best of all, you get to dance on the tables. Now in my view I really don't get to dance on tables enough and in Gallipoli they actively encourage it along with a very cheesy but brilliant music sound-track. And once you are up on the tables they have hung all kinds of random delights from the ceiling for you to dodge and great big cow-bells for you to ring. The staff are also more than happy to substitute the set menu pudding for shots which is very nice of them indeed... and makes the table dancing so much more fun...

...but dont take my word for it. If you feel that the dancefloor just isn't enough for you this weekend then get your best table dancing shoes out and get down here now.

p.s. if you want a more refined meze dining experience then perhaps you could try Isis which has 2 for 1 on food - it is also very good.

Beating the beast...

For as long as I can remember I have been the victim of a terrible affliction, something personally irritating and socially crippling. I don’ t know what the scientific or Latin term for this terrible disease is, but I like to refer to it as “gluttony”. The basic symptom is that when out drinking, as the evening wears on I hear a nagging little voice asking: “where’s my dinner?” No matter how jovial the company or absorbing the evening’s entertainment, the voice grows louder and louder until I’m unable to concentrate on conversation and find myself constantly looking around the room as if a plate of nachos might magically materialise from one corner. Often I will slope off from the pub murmuring about an early start when the truth is I’m off to find a dirty 'babby. Shameful, I know.

I have yet to develop a convenient method of counteracting this problem (resorting to fourteen bags of dry-roasted peanuts inevitably invites raised eyebrows or open mockery - depending on the company I’m in). However luckily for me,  there are a few social situations that cater (no pun intended) for my shortcomings: children’s birthday parties (cupcakes and crustless sandwiches do the job nicely) and, even better, barbecues. Booze and food in a heady, smoky mix - what genius thought that up?! The good old BBQ enables me to shrewdly hide my affliction behind a beef burger and discreetly satiate the ever-nagging appetite. With this in mind, I have had a little look for some bank holiday weekend activities to please both mind and body and come up with the following little beauties:

Sunday 28th:  “Wax Recommended” @ 93 Feet East, 150 Brick Lane
This is an all day music fest which is FREE to get in!! Starts at midday and music ranges from a tasty bit of indie through to something a little more urban. Plus, you guessed it – A BBQ!!!
(I’m guessing the hot-dogs aren’t free)

Monday 29th: Wee Fi Life Bank Holiday BBQ & Dance @ Cargo, 83 Rivington St, Shoreditch
A chilled out excursion into the territory of world music – mostly with a Jamaican flavour so I’ll be expecting some dancehall fun and some jerk chicken on the BBQ. Costs £5/4, starts at 6.30 and goes on till late.

There... now you're sorted for the weekend. Just don't blame me for the weather

Hit the road, Jack - how to amuse your horrors this half term

Short of locking them in the living room with the Playstation and a keg of Sunny Delight, there’s really no escaping the fact that Half Term is looming. You’re going to have to do something with your lovely little angels, but because every kid is different we’ve made the options easier on you with a slice of something for everyone.

If they love a piece of the action…

For the sports mad, Madame Tussauds are mixing wax with the match by kicking off a brand new exhibition just in time for the World Cup.  World at Your Feet (geddit?) will feature new waxworks of football faves like Wayne Rooney, Becks, Michael Owen and Sven-Goran Eriksson. You can even battle against a virtual goalie, record your own commentary for a number of classic goals and even touch some genuine turf, grown at a secret location in the Netherlands and flown in especially for the attraction. And they think it’s all over…

• Book Madame Tussauds tickets from only £12.99 flat rate

If you’re way up in bonnie Scotland, or planning to be on May 31st, for a tenner you can do the Mexican wave as you watch Scotland v Barbarians at the Murrayfield Stadium. You and your troop can celebrate the return of the roar by bringing down the curtain on a thrilling season for Scotland... and for a tenner you can hardly complain.

• Book Rugby in Scotland on 31st May - £10

If their imagination is in overdrive…

Brick by little coloured brick, Legoland has built itself up to be the number one children’s  playground and with four new attractions for 2006, including Digger Challenge – the chance to drive a full size digger – your whole brood will have a ball.  If the real London doesn’t impress them, the lego brick model of the skyline in Miniland definitely will. And you might just freak your grown up mind out with the 4D show ‘Spellbreaker’.  Make sure you stay for the fireworks…

• Book LEGOLAND® Windsor tickets from only £10, save up to £20

Your curious critters will fall hard for the animated charms of the Pixar: 20 Years of Animation exhibition at the Science Museum. Plus, why not offer to take another sprog out of someone’s hair with our 2 for 1 offer and make sure they appreciate that animation wasn’t always all about computers. Somebody actually had to use a pen once…

• Book Pixar: 20 Years of Animation exhibition NOW 2 FOR 1

If they’re prone to dramatic outbursts…

They won’t believe their eyes and this might just render them speechless for once - The Magic Cavern at Barons Court will take their breath away and leave them no time for their own shenanigans.  Get them into London’s most intimate and enchanting theatre of magic, illusion and variety with weekly shows suitable for the whole family. No matter where you sit you’re only feet away from the magic. They’ll be asking you about ‘that card trick’ for months…

• Book The Magic Cavern - Barons Court's Theatre of Magic - 2 for 1, just £10 

We’ve now got weekday and Friday and Saturday tickets available for Disney’s smash hit, The Lion King - guaranteed to make your darlings put ‘pet wild cat’ on their Christmas lists.  This all singing, all dancing, awe inspiring spectacular will keep their mouths shut for a few hours at least…

• Book Lion King, half term tickets available now

If they’re right little terrors…

Scare them back with Jack The Ripper's Rapacious Reign – a walking tour that takes place every Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Walk the streets and head back to a very different time in London, when Jack the Ripper terrorised the city. Examine the theories surrounding the killer’s identity and visit some of the murder sites. Creepy stuff…

• Book Jack The Ripper's Rapacious Reign now, from just £5

Full of history and mystery and yet another slice of Jack the Ripper, take your own little grizzlies to The London Dungeons, where live action drama unfolds to captivate them with all things frightening. Adults should take a spare pair of pants too, some of those actors are scary!

• Book The London Dungeon tickets - up to 50% off
• The Edinburgh Dungeon tickets - £2 off
• The York Dungeon tickets - £2 off

When good customers go BAD

If we’re lucky, we arrive at the hotel room we booked ages ago to find it perfectly acceptable for,.. well,… sleeping in. After all, it’s not too much to ask for, is it - to get what you pay for?  You’ll be pleased to hear that by booking one of lastminute.com’s top secret hotels, you’ll almost definitely wind up somewhere more than decent. After all, the rates and locations are so good that quite frankly, the hotels themselves don’t want to shout about them in case people start banging the doors down. You’ll find out when you get there, but that’s part of the adventure.

Sometimes, however, adventure is the last thing we want.  Other hotels that rated high in our anticipations let us down completely and the view of the building site/stench of the loo/semi naked man lying inexplicably on your balcony, shivering, can somewhat tarnish our experience. Here are some of your own horror stories, with a few humorous ones thrown in for good measure. They occurred before you discovered us, obviously. You’ll know better in future…

“It was a friend of my ex-girlfriend’s wedding and she was the bridesmaid,.. naturally we got battered and wound up in the hotel bar at 4am with the father of bride and a loud, rough Northern bloke who was a cousin of the bride. He started buying us lots of booze and at the end of the night, when we said we’d go back to our room, he asked to come with us for a(nother) drink. We couldn’t say no really, so headed up to the room. My girlfriend realised she had left her handbag in the bar so went back to get it. I went into the bathroom. We both entered the room again at the same time to find this bloke naked on the bed with a… well, you know,… and he then asked us for a threesome. I had to wrestle him out of the room, naked.” – Mr D. Cheltenham

“I was on holiday with my mates in Spain and I got off with a waiter from the hotel, which meant I could lounge around topless by the pool and get free drinks brought over every 5 minutes. When I was at dinner one night my German flat mate gave me a phrase to repeat which I though meant “I think you’re cute” to say to my waiter boy. It actually meant “I’m horny, let’s f***” His face dropped, he was only 18 and had just arrived at the hotel. He probably didn’t know what had hit him!" – Miss C, S.Africa

“We stayed in a crowded room in a Youth Hostel in NZ a few years ago. There was a mixed bunch in the room, which we weren’t really happy with, but it was late so we just went to bed and passed out.  The next morning I awoke in my top bunk to see the man across from me “playing with something” under the covers, whilst looking straight at me. I was terrified and disgusted. Needless to say we didn’t stay another night!” – Miss L, London 

“In Sydney we met a girl who told us she had been thrown out of another hostel after being accused of having sex with a guy in a dorm room. We didn’t believe her. That night we saw her chatting to some toga clad blokes in the bar and they all got plastered on cheap wine. She snogged one and took him upstairs. I went up to our room to put some shoes on and found them both in bed. I heard this “Pssssst mate, you got a jonny?”. I gave him one and joked that he owed me. They didn’t even wait till I got out the door before they started. Five minutes later they were both back down in the bar again. I don’t know if she got thrown out of our hostel too..” – Mr C, London

“There's a hotel in Amsterdam with a resident, stoned cat.  Possessed by the devil or wacky weed I'm sure. It sits in your lap purring then suddenly jerks, screeches and tears the living crap out of you.  Airborne in a milsecond I tell you.” – Miss K, Australia

“A Customer called us from his mobile phone, having booked a top secret hotel in Mayfair. He had been into 4 hotels in Mayfair to ask if he was staying at any of them. After the 4th one he called us and we kindly pointed out that the name and address of his hotel was on the top of his confirmation email. He had wasted 4 hours playing find the hotel room like Challenge Anneka!” – Mr A, London

“In Cyprus, we opened up the french windows in the morning to find on the balcony, a drunken, bruised, vomit covered, bald-headed scouser, curled up foetal-fashion underneath my beach towel. When we woke him up it turned out he wasn't even staying at the hotel - he had pulled a girl the night before who in the cold light of the morning had turned out to be a minger, so he'd climbed out to the balcony to sneak away but had then realised that it was too far to jump down into the street. After climbing across the balconies and trying a few windows he was worried she was going to wake up and see him out there, so he'd curled up on our balcony and fallen asleep hiding under my beach towel, after vomiting on it, obviously. Mmm, it was like Christmas come early." – Miss S, London

“Once in a hotel in Edinburgh we were put into a room with a stand alone heater, plug sockets hanging off the walls and a flooded toilet, including a FLOATER. Almost more disturbing – we went out on Sat night and left some muffins on the bedside table. When we got back they were gone, just the box was there.” – Mr P. London

We're all going on a...Bank Holiday?

The temptation to lock yourself indoors is great... after all, those Big Brother freaks are live and kicking 24/7 on the telly – that’s enough entertainment to keep your ass on the sofa and your mouth round a bottle of cheap red wine. Isn’t it?  Besides, there's a whole other load of fun stuff you were planning to do this Bank Holiday weekend too....

What you were planning:

Wake up at noon, drag hungover ass out of bed whilst fighting a duvet with a life of its own, fall on the floor in a heap of garlic sauce and curse the moment you drunkenly decided to finish your kebab in bed.

What you could do instead:

Wake up early in a hotel you chose yourself and praise the dawn as it breaks in a glorious display of orange light through the crystal clear glass in your window. Get your sunny and radient self down to a theme park. Thorpe Park is offering an amazing discount of up to £13.50 at the mo, but will it be full of people out on Family Theme Park Breaks? Who knows, still, Chessington World of Adventures is a pretty safe bet if you're after a day of thrills and spills that for once, aren't of the condiment kind.

What you were planning:

Dig out the only unused bowl in the entire flat, which consequently now acts as a home for an entirely new breed of funghi, pour the contents of your fridge into said vessel, cover with old milk and enjoy in front of the only episode of FRIENDS that you've seen less than 15 times.

What you could do instead:

Leave the bowl where it is and get your food kicks at Cadbury World - heaven for the choco-holics, hell for the Nicole Ritchie-esque rib exposers for whom the mere mention of the word calorie mean s dashing finger-in-throat for the nearest toilet. From just £9.50 you can eat yourself Pacman style through interactive zones and get the chance to get touchy feely with real liquidy Cadburys chocolate. You never liked those hip bones anyway...

What you were planning:

Open your bottle of cheap supermarket brand vin rouge and consume entire bottle, thinking it tastes really nice yet oblivious to the fact you've just downed your flatmate's Vintage 1978. Your excuse: The blinding tears in your eyes due to mourning the loss of the latest BB candidate.

What you could do instead:

Hang out with the people who know the difference between quality and quantity at Vinopolis, now 2 for 1 and just £15. With an array of wordly wines, plus beer, whiskey, gin and absinthe inside you, you won't give a flying cork when you see your favourite jeans burning ferociously on the hob as your flatmate waves her empty wine bottle in your face.

What you were planning:

Having watched the FINAL of American Idol, wander aimlessly and semi-naked round flat in un-washed PJ bottoms and one fuzzy slipper in search of a new religion. Run fingers through un-brushed hair, tongue round un-cleaned teeth and ponder the merits of a bath versus another sing-along in front of the mirror - JUST TO MAKE SURE you're definitely not the next talent show TV star. 

What you could do instead:

Get these talent shows out of your system and sort yourself out properly with a Sunday night mini spa break at Rowhill Grange.  I know it’s £135 but to be honest with you, you could spend that in one trolley dash round TopShop/Threshers and what’s gonna benefit you more in the long run?  Ditch those manky PJ's and get some Sunday night pampering that doesn't involve wrapping yourself in the sofa cushions with some withering cucumber slices over your eyes.

What you were planning:

Lock yourself in the bathroom, run the iron under the door, turn the hot taps on full blast, crank up your summer 'choons' and bask naked on the toilet seat in your self-made steam room.

What you could do instead:

Honour several African tribes with no water (and save your own bills) by treating yourself and a mate to an Exotic Steam Rasul pampering for two at Elemis Day Spa. Now that you can save £30 for a limited time only, it’s only £60. There's really no excuse not to leave the flat for this one.

BECKY ON: soul searching...

The last time I went to one of these Mind Body and Spirit type festivals I ended up paying £40 to a 'psychic' man who told me I was about to land the job of my dreams and a boyfriend who looked like an American footballer. Shortly afterwards I moved to New York City to become a 'receptionist' and my next boyfriend was a tall, dark and handsome American who was more commited to his football than me. All in all I guess he scored a 7 out of 10 for accuracy but for the heartache factor, I'd probably ask for my money back if I saw him again.

Now in its 30th year, the annual Mind Body and Spirit Festival aims to enlighten one and all about alternative and new age living.  Hmmmm.... This year's exhibitors will be offering products from aromatherapy lamps to zen massagers, plus giving demonstrations on techniques from inversion therapy to pendulum dowsing, (no, really?) PLUS workshops on subjects such as anger management and creativity at an extra cost. Hmmmm,... it was the extra costs that made me angry last time. They'd better watch out.

What? Mind Body and Spirit Festival - May 24-29 - £6, under 15’s free

Where? Royal Horticultural Halls, near Pimlico.

KATIE ON: Garden glory

Now, I don't know about you but every time I bring a plant into my home it goes brown around the edges and dies overnight.  Last week I even managed to kill a Sainsbury's basil plant before I even made it home.

Luckily, there are some people with a skill for gardening - and some of the world's leading garden designers will show their skills in the grounds of the Royal Hospital in Chelsea until Saturday. It's a romantic's haven - flowers aplenty and more smells than you'd find in an air freshener factory.

My thumb isn't green and neither is my little toe so my dream of a little herb garden is one I'll have to let go of.  Thank goodness for dried, pre-packaged supermarket greenery.  For everyone else, there's the RHS Chelsea Flower Show.

Directions:
Royal Hospital, Chelsea, London SW3

ALEX ON: street gigging

Whats better than seeing the coolest, hippest bands?
How about seeing the coolest, hippest bands in a totally random, secret venue and all for FREE??

Well T-mobile are bringing the likes of Dirty Pretty Things, Kasabian and The Rakes to the streets.  Well, to be more precise, a kebab shop, a lighthouse and a, erm, old disused brewery.  Yes, it's back.  After the success of 2005's street gigs, which brought The Editors, El Presidente and Hard Fi to your ears, T-mobile are doing it all over again for 2006. 

So far, The Streets have played their urban tragedies in a lighthouse and The Rakes punked out an old kebab shop.  Now, Dirty Pretty Things are gonna rock in an underground arch. How do you get tickets? Well there's a slight catch.  You have to own a t-mobile and register the number on their site (you have to register for each gig so keep checking the website).  Don't have a t-mobile? Then borrow one! Your mums, dads, sisters even the mental guy that sits at the bus stop! For if you're lucky enough to win, you and a friend can go for free!

Quick! You only have a day left to register for Carl Barat's Band - otherwise Bang Bang You're Dead!
FIND OUT MORE 

KATIE ON: Creepy Crawlies

“If all mankind were to disappear, the world would regenerate back to the rich state of equilibrium that existed ten thousand years ago. If insects were to vanish, the environment would collapse into chaos.” E.O Wilson

It's a bug's life - or so they say.  This bank holiday weekend it will be anyway; creepy crawlies unite - Pestival is in town.

Celebrating insects in art, and the art of being an insect

If you asked the organisers, they'd tell you that 'The First International Arts Pestival is dedicated to raising awareness of the role insects play in the global ecosystem and in all animal societies. Many of those insects are increasingly endangered through human action.'

If nothing else, it sounds like this event will make you think twice about reaching for the bug spray.

The line-up of entertainment is a long one.  The programme of talks, demonstrations, workshops, art installations, films, music and performance covers nine days and there's something for every buggy taste. If you've ever wondered why insects sting or have always wanted to take part in an insect recording master class then this is the event for you.

If it all gets too much, Pestival Yoga will also let people stretch their... erm, wings.

So, join the 400 species of moths and butterflies at the London Wetland Centre and bug out!

Pestival
London Wetland Centre
27 May - 4 June 2006