Something For The Weekend: Which festival is right for you?

We all know that this year is missing something pretty damn integral to a hot summer. And we don’t just mean the sun. No, we’re talking Glastonbury. But once you’ve taken a look at what else we have to offer, you’ll be over it quicker than you can say, ‘a pint of cider and a bean burger please’.

For the indie kids…

Wireless Festival – London and Leeds – various dates through June
If you’re not up for that whole camping in fields that resemble the Somme lark, then Wireless will be perfect for you. Just trundle along to your local park (well if you live in London or Leeds) and spend the afternoon / evening watching some of the bestest acts in the whole Goddam world. June 21 in Hyde Park boasts a bill the equal of most of the major festivals – The Strokes, Belle and Sebastian, The Raconteurs and Dirty Pretty Things. All. On. The. Same. Day.

Latitude – Southwold in Suffolk – July 14 to 16
Festivals can be so much more than jumping up and down to some piss poor indie band with acne. Sometimes they can be culturally enriching in other ways. Which is why Latitude has poetry, comedy, cabaret and even political debate. And that’s before you get to the cracking line-up, which includes Snow Patrol, Anthony and the Johnsons and Mogwai.

Reading and Leeds Festivals – August 25 to 27
OK, so all the camping tickets sold out about a trenfillion years ago but you can still bag yourself a day ticket, which for £60 is amazing value, giving you the chance to witness such modern day pop combos as Franz Ferdinand, the Kaiser Chiefs, the Arctic Monkeys and Muse. I’m packing the giant pink inflatable penis now, mother.

For the metalheads…

Download Festival – Donington Park – June 9 to 11
Hell’s bells, they’ve only gone and got Guns and effing Roses to play. OK so Axl is a bit of a mental these days but this could be a Lazarus-like return to the fray from one of the greatest bands that ever did strut this place we call Earth. Tool and some little known Greek folk band called Metallica are also playing.

Monsters Of Rock – Milton Keynes Bowl – June 3
You youngsters. How you love to dance to your Funeral For A Friend and your Korn. But back in the mists of time some dark and evil forces combined to create the best heavy rock rumble heard this side of the Alps. Lock up your daughters because Alice Cooper is here, not to mention Deep Purple. No idea? Ask your Dad and he’ll go all misty eyed and weird.

For the ravers…

Global Gathering – Stratford Upon Avon – July 28 to 29
Glow stick-friendly ‘gathering’ for those who just can’t stop dancing. The cracking bill includes a rare performance from the awesome Daft Punk, the ubiquitous Groove Armada and pretty much every DJ who ever put some vinyl on a disc player machine.

For the adventurous…

Benicassim – near Barcelona – July 20 to 23
If you’ve grown weary of this hateful weather, take some affirmative action before you get mad with SAD. This is how festivals should be, brother. In the sun, by the sea, bands playing all Goddam night. Not to mention a line-up from God’s own record collection – Franz, Morrissey, The Strokes, the flipping Pixies. You might not ever come home so pack a toothbrush and some clean kecks.

Dour Festival – Belgium – July 13 to 16
Unfortunate name for a festival. Particularly one in Belgium. But hang on a sec… a weekend of hot bands including Primal Scream, The Dandy Warhols and the truly incredible Bell Orchestre (who are Arcade Fire without the name Arcade Fire). It’s safe to say Belgium’s never been so hip-shakingly hip.

So there you have it kids, something for every single one of you. Now just don’t forget the bog roll and the wet wipes.

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Something For The Weekend

Which festival is right for you?

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