Something For The Weekend

Pan's Labyrinth...

We packed him up with a teddy bear and an extra cushion for comfort, and sent our resident movie buff Andy Whitehead, off to see the creepiest fairytale in decades...

When you think of fairy tales, the likes of Snow White, Cinderella and Peter Pan might cross your mind; but in Pan's Labyrinth, the new film by Guillermo del Toro (Hellboy, Blade II), the fairies couldn't be further from that stereotypical "Tinkerbell". Instead of glimmering and beautiful entities of the light, del Toro's versions are dark and twisted creatures, with the ability to transform into praying mantis-esque bugs.

But this 'fairy tale gone bad' doesn't stop there.  Not by a long way. Set in the post-war repression of Franco's Spain, Pan's Labyrinth has a unique and captivative style that can only be loosly compared to a mixture of Jim Henson's cult epic "Mirrormask" and Tim Burton's "Edward Scissorhands", perhaps with a bit of the game "Escape to Castle Wolfenstien" thrown in for good measure. (The lads will know what I mean!) It's a tale of good verses evil... bravery and adventure... deceit and betrayal; passion and sacrifice and it encapsulates some the most interesting, though disturbing, creatures that you're ever likely to find in a film.

Pan, one of the principle characters, is a fawn at one with nature; his lower half totally covered in branches and leaves.  But in spite of his good intentions of returning the princess to the throne, he comes across as a scary and malicious creature. The darkest character who dwells in the Labyrinth however, is The Pale Man (pictured here). As we're introduced to him, he sits at the head of a table - still, quiet and terrifying! Behind him are images on the wall of him devouring live children while they scream and pray for his mercy. Nice!

His face reminds me of that of a stingray - featureless but menacing, his stature powerful and brutal. In front of him sit two eyeballs on a plate, and when he finally rises they're inserted into stigmata like holes in the palms of his hands, creating a truly unique and disturbing character that would give a lesser man nightmares, (ahem).

However dark the creatures in the Labyrinth though, nothing compares to Sergi López's brutal monster, that is Captain Vidal; a man that tortures, kills in cold blood, and beats his wife and step child. López plays him wonderfully and captures the cold and sinister fascist perfectly.

The main ray of light though comes from Ofelia, played by 12 year old child superstar, Ivama Baquero. Her portayal of innocence, beauty and love is quite captivating as she sheds her fear of the dangers that lie both within and outside of the Labyrinth. The film centers around her character and the fact that the creatures in this weird world believe that she is the returned princess from their realm; but to prove that she is, and not just a mortal, she has to perform three tasks.  And here lies basis for our film. The fantasy aside though, this is a film about fascism, and the fact that fascism corrupts innocence.

All in all, I enjoyed the film, but I wouldn't recommend it for the fainthearted or children, unless you can stomach brutal killings, seeing a leg being saw off, watching a man's mouth being slit from ear to ear, and then seeing him sew it up again. If you can't handle scary creatures of a warped imagination and some generally horrifying images of a fascist post-war environment, you might want to skip this one.

Also, as the film is in Spanish, it's subtitled, but a lot of the time the acting is so strong that you barely notice, unless you have an incident like mine where "Mr Inconsiderate Six Foot Four Man" decided he wanted to sit bolt upright part way through the film, obscuring my view of a lot of the text.

I'd have to say that I wouldn't rush to the cinema to see Pan's Labyrinth, but I will definitely be getting it on DVD when it comes out, and I can already see this becoming a major cult classic in underground circles.

Andy Whitehead

Book your theatre tickets now

get your skates on...

Did you see the movie King Kong, where the great beast takes his girl to the ice-rink in Central Park and glides his huge furry ass across the lake with the grace of a fairy, and she realises that although he’s a big, moody, stinking old ape-freak, he’s actually got a heart of gold? OK so Hollywood might be a little far-fetched, but that doesn’t mean a little play on the ice won’t bring out your softer side this winter – if a crash and fall doesn’t cause your grizzly beast to emerge first.

There are plenty of movie-style settings in London if it’s gliding round rinks with your beloved you’re looking forward to, and over here at lastminute.com, we’ve put them all together for easy access. Lucky you!

First up is the Tower of London, which we recommend for beginners. Well, if you’re gonna spend the majority of your session on your bum, you might as well look up at an admirable little slice of English history while you’re at it.  Not far from Tower Hill tube this might be a little touristy, but you can’t beat if for a real Londony culture treat. The café will be serving up hot drinks and snacks, but remember, don’t drink and glide, folks….

Book Tower of London skating tickets for £10 here. Or book with dinner at Pizza Express for £19.95

Now in it’s 4th year, Hampton Court Palace have got the skating thing sussed, and added to the charm of gliding arm in arm (or dragging your reluctant mate round in circles as she clings to the barrier) is the temptation of hot chocolate, warm mince pies and mulled wine. You really can’t beat the setting either – you can almost see Henry VIII whizzing round his pond in his frumpy frock and tights before lopping another wife’s head off with an ice skate. Lovely.

Book Hampton Court Palace skating tickets for £9.50 here. Or book with lunch at Pizza Express for £19.95

We love the The Greenwich Ice Rink at the Old Royal Naval College, as its landscaped grounds on the banks of the Thames have you thinking you’re miles away from the hustle and bustle of some of the other sites. You might not avoid the screaming kids (it’s a bit of a family spot, this one) but what’s Christmas without the children anyway? Aaaah, sniff. Check out the Queen’s House and the Greenwich Observatory, and have a cheeky snog or a festive snack from the River Views Cafe as you gaze at the beautiful lights twinkling from Canary Wharf. A real “we heart London” moment.

Book Greenwich skating tickets for £9.50 here. Or book with lunch at Pizza Express for £19.95

It might encourage topless bathers and nude dippers in the summer, but you can be sure that all wobbly bits of man and womanhood are well covered in winter at the Hampstead Heath Ice Rink. As Parliament Hill Fields opens for a six week season we can’t wait to pad ourselves up with nine jumpers and a hat and get some moves in. Oh, if you need to pad your insides too, there are plenty of scrumptious snacks, plus mulled wine (gotta love it) at the Fields Café.

Book Hampstead Heath skating tickets for £9.50 here

See more fabulous ice skating options here

a few of our favourite things...

Cream-coloured ponies and crisp apple strudels. Doorbells and sleighbells and schnitzel with noodles…  A few of your favourite things, are they?  Really?

Whoever listed doorbells as one of their favourite things has quite clearly never sat through the abominable temp job I once had of simply buzzing people into a building, (the button was too far away from the phone for the receptionist to reach without missing a call. Stupid). And sleighbells? Please. They only come about once every year…. every November, right after Halloween. And by the time Christmas Day is upon us we’re so sick of sleighbells we want to pour petrol over the nearest jingling mode of transport and set it ablaze via a beer fart and a blowtorch. And don’t even get me started on ponies, cream-coloured or otherwise. I was never allowed one and I still haven’t forgiven my daddy.

Anyway, I suppose in spite of its dated absurdity, The Sound of Music is and always will be one of those things that surpasses the ridiculous metaphors which make up its soundtrack, and renders you revelling only in a feeling of joy.  It’s the story as much as the songs, of course – when the hills were alive and the nuns got the guys, and seven children, when placed in one room, did not feel the urge to bind, torment and torture a power figure with a fork and a homemade shoe bomb. Those were the days.

In the latest adaptation, now showing at the London Palladium, we’re treated to the talented, if a little earnest Connie Fisher, who “solved a problem like Maria” in a televised, nationwide search for a brand new lead. During the TV contest, Connie tugged at our heartstrings with tear-stained cheeks and close up shots of her beloved grandma, who first introduced Miss Fisher to the movie when she was little and has long since dreamed of seeing her perform it on stage. (I wonder if I put my gran on the telly and got her to tell everyone how I’d run naked round the garden until I was given a chocolate biscuit, Nestle would sponsor all my dreams, too?)  Still, talent show winner or not, it does seem as though Connie’s got what it takes. She performs the role as effortlessly as someone who’s watched the film every day for 20 years should perform it, really. In fact, so identical is her act,… so alike are her vocals, that she probably eats Julie Andrews pills for breakfast and dances her way barefoot up every hill she encounters. (Annoying cow).

Although surpassed by Grease in the realms of musical greatness, The Sound of Music, when released in 1965, became the most successful Hollywood musical of all time.  So it’s no surprise here that the cast chosen to bring the legend to life in London’s most famous theatre are top notch performers.  Sir Webber would have it no other way.  Even the kids, although screaming “STAGE SCHOOL!!!” are a joy to watch, with their endearing enthusiasm for every over-acted, unnecessarily embellished sentence. Of course, powerhouse Lesley Garrett is immaculate as Mother Abbess, and even if you’re a kid who’s never seen the film and doesn’t know the story, you couldn’t fail to be touched when she belts out ‘Climb every Mountain’ with all the muscle one would expect from a sexually repressed nun with no other outlet.  Incredible.

The Sound of Music will undoubtedly bring the house down and Connie Fisher will deservedly springboard from her BBC beginnings, all the way to Broadway.  When it comes to crowd pleasing, with lavish sets, a sing-along soundtrack and enough dark habits to make Kate Moss look like an angel, this is one West End show “I have confidence” in completely.  - Becky Wicks

Book your Sound of Music tickets now

Caroline or Change

What’s it like?
Caroline or Change is set in Louisiana in 1963 and resounds with the swinging soul and upbeat funk of the neighbouring decades. It’s a small-scale domestic story with cleverly observed characters, a good helping of uplifting humour and songs which will raise the wee hairs on the back of your neck.

What’s it about?
It’s a simple story of the fraught triangular relationship between a stepmother, son and their maid. While Caroline, our struggling heroine, tries to keep her children on the pittance she earns as a maid, Rose, the new lady of the house, attempts to teach her careless stepson, Noah, the value of money. Though the story is literally “small change” it digs deep into issues of race, human rights and delicately portrays an emotional journey following bereavement.

Who’s in it?
Tonya Pinkins brings her critically acclaimed portrayal of Caroline from Broadway to the South Bank. You only have to listen to her powerful but silky-smooth singing voice to understand why she has been received so well in the role. She’s also a fabulous actress; her depiction of Caroline is punchy but extremely sensitive.
Anna Francolini plays the uptight but vulnerable Rose and Greg Bernstein, playing the spoilt son Noah, will surprise you with the maturity of both his singing voice and his acting abilities.

Who’d enjoy it?
If you love gospel, funk and the soulful laments of the Deep South you’ll be in musical heaven. It’s an aural feast of outstanding singing performances – like chocolate-fudge brownies for your ears.

What should I look for?
The singing inanimate objects. Caroline spends her days in the basement laundry room with the company of her buxom soul-sister washer, broad-bellied bass-booming dryer and a glamorous chorus-line of a radio. It sounds completely farcical but it works so well and is a perfect example of the warmth and humour of the performance.

Verdict
You’ll never look at your coppers in the same way again. Despite not having a complex plot or driving love interest, Caroline or Change is moving and completely absorbing. If you’re not on your guard you might just find yourself teary-eyed by the end.

Sara Sha'ath

Buy tickets for Caroline or Change - currently showing at the National Theatre.

Newsletter team extreme makeover...

Two collagen lips and a liposuctioned thigh please. No, not a sick and twisted KFC menu - just the newsletter ladies' wish list after another day in the office left us feeling less women, more beasts. Throw in a side order of boob job and a dash of tummy tuck and we might feel half human.

Ok, so the extreme makeover might be a tad far-fetched - we like to think we're not total mingers, but we were still in desperate need of a few tweaks. With hope in our hearts we signed ourselves up for an afternoon in the care of new<id, who offered us all a haircut, makeover and photo shoot in the comfort of their luxurious Soho studios.

So off we all trekked one foggy Tuesday afternoon, complete with hangovers and unsightly mascara blotches - a gift from the relentless London rain. I admit I even had muffin crumbs in my hair after a good Benjy's breakfast went astray. Lovely.

We were welcomed by smiling, (and extremely good looking) staff at the new >id headquarters - ushered in from the elements and treated instantly with sparkling glasses of Bucks Fizz. How did they know? A few hairs of the old dog were highly appreciated, let me tell you.

The haircuts were first. Just a trim for us - the Mohawks would have lost appeal after the 'fun' photo shoot, although the temptation for a perm was great - did you know they're coming back into fashion?! We practically fell asleep during the head-massages but stayed awake long enough to polish off several more bottles of Bucks Fizz and advise the stylists on required volume for the curls in our hair.

Once adequate bounce had been achieved, it was downstairs to the make-up room, where I had the pleasure of chatting to a gorgeous French artist about her exciting freelance work for fashion models, movie stars and the like. Wow. My eyes were as big as saucers, my skin like a porcelain doll, my lashes as thick as I felt in the head after my 23rd Bucks Fizz...this was getting better and better...

Next it was nails. Sonia and Verity's were glistening visions of sparkly smoothness, but I unfortunately have few nails that aren't chipped and I smudged my varnish twice trying to get my mobile phone out of my handbag. Doh. Luckily the lady just smiled and re-painted them, obviously used to such foolish catastrophes. Looking at them I vowed never to bite them again. Well, at least for the rest of the day.

Once complete, and after the 37th glass of Bucks Fizz, we made it into the photo studio, where the young (and trés trés hot) photographer tried his best to ignore the hurricane of bras, trousers, stockings and wine glasses that was whirling its way around him. We went through four outfit changes each and all initial embarrassment at draping ourselves over a chair, humping a wooden blind or curling round a banister with a sultry pout soon faded. Posing dramatically, Verity's hunger for capturing cleavage enhancing arm positions was insatiable, and Sonia relished the chance to snap herself in every boyfriend's wet-dream shot - clutching a pair of machine guns against a camouflage backdrop. Eat your heart out Lara Croft, newsletter tomb raiders reign supreme.

About five hours and 97 bottles of Bucks Fizz later we were finally ushered into a room to inspect the photos, most of which made us look amazing. Not a bitten nail or Benjy's muffin crumb in sight. We ordered a few each to pin up at our desks, just to remind us (and our dubious colleagues) that we can indeed look beautiful.

And you know what - when we got them delivered to the office a few days later, all neatly bound inside a lovely portfolio of model-like quality, it became apparent that what Max-Factor couldn't fix, Photoshop certainly could.

Get 2 for the price of 1 on a deluxe makeover here, just £39

Remember, remember, the 5th of November…

We love it – the oooh’s and aaah’s that inevitably follow every splash of colour that lights our dreary London sky. Bonfire night is that one occasion where it’s ok to light a big fire in a public place and laugh at a burning man. It’s also ok if you want to stuff your face with toffee apples and weave candyfloss through your hair, although you might look a bit weird.

Anyway, the places we reckon you should be gracing with your best woolly hat and scarf ensemble this weekend are as follows:

Alexandra Palace. Saturday. FREE
This is the full monty of firework displays and they’ve even got an ice-rink so you can glide hand in hand with your lover, or just fall over and break something, (no more mulled wine for you). There’s a funfair from 4.30pm and the fireworks start at 7.30, so make sure you get your fill of hotdogs before the bangs and whooshes begin - you’ll need them to keep you warm.
Alexandra Palace Way. 020 8365 2121.
Tube: Wood Green

Battersea Park. Saturday. £5 (under 10’s free)
They’re skipping on the funfair this year but that might mean the kids will go elsewhere.  Can’t be a bad bet to turn up with that special someone for a cosy night in the open in front of the fire. Awwww.  There’ll be lots of stalls for your usual fireside accessories – mostly food, obviously, but the Battersea brigade usually put on a good show. Fireworks start at 8pm. You can’t miss ‘em, if you look up…
Battersea Park, Albert Bridge Road. 020 8871 7534.
Battersea Park Rail

Victoria Park. Sunday. FREE
They’re promising “The Emperor and the Tiger” – a theatrical display of fireworks right in the heart of one of London’s nicest parks. Why not model your new mittens as you stroll around the lake, or have a whizz on the waltzers at the funfair? Don’t eat too many chips first though. No one wants to wear your dinner.
Victoria Park, Old Ford Road. 020 7364 7907.
Tube: Bethnal Green