how do you solve a problem like Maria?

Ever since Julie Andrews danced across the fields, exclaiming them to be “alive”, (too many magic mushrooms?) you’ve had a secret yearning to live high on the hills with a lonely goat, yodel your way into the hearts of unsuspecting townspeople and surround yourself with a hundred children. Haven’t you?

The Sound Of Music was the last collaboration between Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, and became one of the most successful Oscar-winning film musicals of all time in 1965.  I know.  That’s way before a lot of us were even born.  That’s a long time ago.  And dancing across hills and "climbing every mountain" was what people did before they had mobile phones and the Internet to distract them.  Sadly, Oscar Hammerstein  II died of cancer just nine months after the opening of the musical, so it wasn’t one of his “favourite things” for very long – although, obviously, the world lapped it up.

This November, a brand new version is returning to the West End, produced by Andrew Lloyd Webber and directed by Jeremy Sams.  Brilliant, we cry, how fantastic, a true musical classic, hoorah!  However, nothing’s sacred anymore, is it.  You’re probably aware of the BBC’s intentions to cast a total random as Maria Von Trapp, via the reality TV contest ‘How do you solve a problem like Maria?’  Every week, the public gets to break another heart and crush another young thespian’s dream of hitting it big on the Palladium stage, by voting off the girl who looks rubbish in her chosen dress, or trips slightly on her expensive heel, or, (very rarely so it’s obviously not that important), hits a dud note. 

It’s positively joyous.  How we love this heinous way of hand-picking our celebrities.  Unfortunately, there’s a lot at stake with this one.  Whoever wins will be taking to the scariest stage in the UK, and thrust into the spotlight before thousands of paying critics.  It’s not Pop Idol.  Theatregoers are cruel.  They know what they want, what they like, and with musical shows costing anything up to £50 a ticket these days, these people want to be sure that whoever they’re trusting to belt out their classic faves, does so to perfection.

Plus, there’s no editing with this one. No clever backing tracks or mixing to disguise a flaw.  The winner must be pitch perfect and ooze a confidence like no other.  She must take to the role like a goat takes to tasty fencepost. She must shine.

So, do any of the potential Maria’s on offer look suitable?  Personally, I like Connie.  She’s only 23 but can out-act anyone on the programme.  You believe her when she sings.  The others might have good voices but hers draws you in with a passion that leaks more than just an urge to be famous.  It’s stunning.  However, in an age where looks do matter, does this cheeky lass possess the Von Trapp trimmings?  Of course it shouldn’t matter - she’s pretty, talented and seems to be winning the crowds. But don’t forget, this is reality television.  It can go in any direction. And she hasn’t flashed nearly as much cleavage as temptress Siobhan.

This blonde bombshell is, in my humble opinion, probably more suited to a pop career than the boards of Broadway or London, but the girl is gorgeous – any man with a doe and a deer would give his left testicle to be with a nun like that.  You always want what you can’t have, after all.

Also up on offer we have Leanne – the baby of the group at just 20 years old.  She’s definitely got a powerful voice (did you hear her belt our Bjork in the first week?) But would someone that young be believable as a wizened nun?  And would a girl with such a wicked twinkle in her eye really have been able to resist the Captain's charms for quite so long? Hmmm...

Talking about the believability factor, what about Simona, a receptionist and actress from Romania?  She’s fantastic but is battling with her accent.  Would a theatre full of critics believe a Romanian Maria?  And at the end of the day, in spite of the panel’s insistence that she change, does she really want to? - "I don't think about the accent when I'm actually acting," she said. "It's about the meaning and what you put in it. It's such a part of you that you don't think it exists. It's inside of you, but you just have to let everyone know that it exists."

Fair play.  It’s definitely a battle worth watching and whoever wins it’s a sure bet that by the time November rolls around, fans of the show as well as the musical will be itching to see their winner on stage.  In fact, it's quite possible that by then, the only sound in the West End, come November, will be the sound of music…

Book your tickets now
Who’s your favourite to win? Post your comments below.