No sooner has Mother Nature tipped the temperature above 20 than London men are tearing off their clothing and strolling topless through the parks with gay abandon, failing to realise that they’re only on holiday in their heads. Removing your shirt doesn’t automatically mean you’re transported to
a beach setting, and no, it’s not ok. Yes, other people do mind. It’s people like this who make us want to go away, when actually, London can be pretty cool when the sun’s out. If it’s escapism you need, don’t rush to the airport. There’s plenty of stuff here to take you away from the pot-bellied business-men bearing all, and plenty to give you a good day tripping in and not far out of your own city.
If it’s action you’re after then it’s common knowledge that theme parks are where it’s at over the summer months. Chessington World of Adventures started life as a children’s zoo, but now the rides are wilder than any animals they could have imported, although the cute and furries are still there. Kids will love the brand new walk-through squirrel monkey enclosure and getting up close to Kumba and Kaja, the gentle gorillas. Fresh for 2006 is Bubbleworks – a new foam-injected indoor water ride which covers you in… well, bubbles, and for the adrenaline junkies, don’t miss Dragon’s Fury and the Vampire coasters. Totally fang-tastic.
Men bearing flesh factor = 3/10 (beware of loose monkeys with shirt button fetishes. They could whip ‘em off in a second)
Chessington World of Adventures tickets - £12 (up to £14 off)
If you think you’re not the pant-wetting kind when it comes to rollercoasters, perhaps you haven’t heard ab
out Stealth, the new addition to Thorpe Park’s rollercoaster collection and currently the tallest and fastest in Europe. Wheeee! 0 to 80mph in just 2.3 seconds? Even Pete Docherty would have trouble competing on the roundabouts of East London. For the still-dry-of-trouser amongst you, head for Colussus next and experience not one, but ten loop the loops before taking it easy on the swing. Kind of. Rush is the daddy of all swings, so actually, it’s best to keep away if you’re afraid of heights. With plenty for the kids and just a short train ride out of London, Thorpe Park is an essential summer escape.
Men bearing flesh factor = 4/10 (you never know whose clothes will abandon them after an extra fast ride)
Thorpe Park tickets - May Madness - up to £10.50 off
You don’t just have to go to a theme park however for a taste of some serious speed. The Orange Speedboat Experience is coming to a wave near you, right here on the Thames. It’s true. Granted there’s no Ibiza style yellow banana involved, but you get to wear lifejackets on a vessel with twin 225hp engines. (cool!) Fly by the eye, take in the tower, and see the sights of your wonderful city in the care of your trusty tour-guides. Suitable for all ages.
Men bearing flesh factor = 6/10 (but it doesn’t really matter as it’s all covered up with a life-jacket)
Orange Powerboat Experience on the Thames - up to 20% off
It’s hard to imagine a world without computer animation, but it wasn’t so long ago that people actually had to draw, with their own hands, and employ talent to bring cartoon characters to life. Shock horror! Now of course, the digital wand is waved and characters like Buzz Lightyear and Woody are almost as human as us. Get back into the great indoors and get behind the scenes with Pixar: 20 Years of Animation. Be among the first in the UK to see hundreds of artworks, models and digital paintings from the Pixar studios, as well as two amazing audiovisual experiences. To infinity and beyond.
Men bearing flesh factor = 1/10 (if there’s a semi naked man, he’ll most likely be in 3D animated format)
Pixar: 20 Years of Animation exhibition tickets - the Science Museum - 2 for 1, from £7
There’s no better escape from the sun-worshipping pasty-whites than a night with a knight in a dungeon. If swords and corsets are your cup of tea, you could do worse than dinner down at St Katherine’s docks, where you can take part in a real medieval banquet. Led by King Henry VIII, you’ll enjoy a four course meal with unlimited wine – but guzzle too much and you’ll no doubt increase your chances of forced involvement. It’s always the way. Still, perhaps a chorus with a Roman strongman or a trick with an Elizabethan magician is all you need to remind you how wonderful (and weird) our city is and has always been.
Men bearing flesh factor = 2/10 (they wore so many clothes back then that it took nine hours to get undressed. Still, never underestimated a determined knight on Mead)
The Medieval Banquet - free beer & wine and £5 off adult price
So, coming up trumps and least likely to put you in the path of a flesh-flasher is an afternoon at the Pixar exhibition, although upon closer inspection it seems that no trip can completely ensure a non-skin exposing experience as we face the months ahead. Still, you can’t hide behind your sun-hat all summer for fear of indecent exposure. Get yourself out into the city with one of our great days out. They’re still a lot kinder on the eyes than a stroll through the park in your lunch break. - Becky Wicks
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